Today I wrote out a list of things I want. Here it is:

• To create, film, write and act in my own projects
• To build or find an artistic (hopefully queer) community and foster it
• To be a better friend and support; potentially later a lover/partner
• To have an income

How to do this? I frankly have no idea, but I am tentatively optimistic that I can figure this out.

2024 has been one of the toughest years of my life, next to 2013 when I ended up unhoused and lived out of my car. It almost seems like it’s entirely unraveling. I got laid off from a job I loved, I lost my beloved cat Biz, and my partner (of over 10 years) and I amicably broke up recently. Needless to say, I’m pretty shattered and scattered at the moment.

However, there are so many things for which I am thankful. I have my health. I have housing. I have marketable skills and a frankly impressive resume. I have savings I can dip into as finding employment in my professional field currently (product design) is BAD and likely will continue to be bad. I have been on interviews (which I typically ace, thanks to my former life as a professional actor with hundreds of auditions under my belt), I have honed my resume, I have redone my portfolio and personal branding (the latter I know is cringe but necessary), and I have built new skills quickly. I have, as the old Bear Grylls meme states, improvised, adapted and overcome.

I am a survivor. I had to be all my life. However, as I inch closer to middle age, I know I can’t keep this up forever. I don’t want to be an island or a recluse. This I know. No person can be and maintain their well-being, but I also don’t want to say goodbye to filmmaking/acting/storytelling. Not until I figure out what she wants from me.

Creative pursuits are volatile lovers. Filmmaking/acting has been pestering me for years after I left Los Angeles and my inability to properly address her while juggling my “life after her” has had extremely negative effects. I have changed in a bad way. The passionate, vivacious, creative person I was got pushed aside. Yes, I am a far more stable, professional and easy going person than I used to be, but I never evolved that past creative life/person into something else. I never married my past and my present in a satisfactory way. I basically unceremoniously pushed her away like she was some childish pursuit to be shunned and abandonned, but she was always there. Always whispering. Always taking me away from the people and the life I had built after her and making me resentful of it all.

My partner always supported my creative pursuits. I want to make that clear. I just didn’t know how to handle my “creativity mistress” and be what my partner needed. I deeply love my partner still, and always will. I want them in my life, but I want them to be happy and fulfilled. I can’t be a good and present partner for anyone until I figure this creative gnawing out, but I do know I ultimately want to be someone’s lover and partner, fully and generously. I know I’m more than capable to love, give and support through good times and bad times. I’ve done it before, but I want to give myself fully this time.

I have been working on a short “film” for months now. My layoff threw me through a loop financially and emotionally, which delayed its progress. I have learned a lot from this project about what is too ambitious for one person. I am beginning to try new time management processes and project management so I can sustainably continue this type of creative workflow when I ultimately gain employment (unfortunately, you gotta pay those bills).

Things are so volatile right now that I am gonna stay away from the news and lock my phone daily to prevent “doom scrolling.” There are things we can control and things we can’t. I know what I can control and it’s not the national or global political stage. I don’t what is gonna ultimately happen, but I sincerely feel like everything is gonna be okay.