Two weeks have passed since I finished my professional portfolio and I’ve been submitting to jobs since. It has been difficult. Our cat Biz is still here, with us having shifted to comfort care for his cancer, but he has good days and bad days. He’s been our little orange one eyed guy for over 6 years and while we always knew, due to his FIV, we could lose him earlier than a non-FIV cat, it’s still so unbelievably hard. I’ve been going through stages of mourning despite him still being here with us. Perhaps he also represents a time of rebuilding for me and to lose this little symbol or mascot of overcoming hardship during a time when I have to rebuild myself again is incredibly sad to me. Right now, I’m sitting next to him as he sleeps on an ottoman he’s grown strangely attached to recently. I just love the little guy so much. I always will.

Also during this time, a close family member has been going through their own mental health crises and I am attempting to help them to the best of my limited ability but it has been extremely hard. I love them and have always looked up to them. When it rains it pours, so I’ve heard.

With everything else going on in the world, it all seems so bleak… but then, there are a few bright spots. My partner, my other cat Cary, streaming, and my video projects, the last being the whole reason I started this Pine Cellar persona. I am returning to them and while I am stressed, I am also hopeful. I lost my job right when I was returning creatively to my old self. I then shifted and threw everything into rebranding my professional career and getting myself ready for the job hunt.

Now, I am stumbling back into the creative process, but I want to do it sustainably. I am no longer the spry early 20 something that could do all night shoots in Los Angeles. I am not the late 20s to early 30s woman who could work themselves to a nub to build a new career in tech. I am in my late 30s now. If I want to create, I have to do it sustainably. It’s been hard to accept my age. That I need to take breaks and get proper sleep. That I can’t push myself for hours and hours like I used to. That being said, I am far more skilled and frankly faster, so I appreciate my young self a lot.

I am now using a piece of tech called “Brick.” It’s basically a 3D printed block that contains a sensor you scan to lock your chosen apps. You can place the magnetic Brick anywhere, ideally somewhere somewhat out of the way. I know it’s kind of ridiculous you buy a piece of tech to stop you from using another piece of tech. However, if it works for me (particularly better than the uninstall/reinstall cycle I got into with certain apps), I don’t see the issue with using it. The amount of willpower I’ve had to expend in the past to not mindlessly scroll social media for hours is just too much, particularly with all the stressors in my life right now.

Anyway, I just need something good to happen right now. I’m getting a bit weary of bad news.